i am man...    yes i am.

just thought i'd post something somewhere.  felt like getting shit off my schest!  liz can kiss my ass now.  it's not like she hasn't.  the last thing she said to me was to go to my friends who know nothing about her.   it didn't make sense since the demise of our "friendship" had nothing to do with my other friends.  she's totally just...  well if we were meant to part on good terms then we might have. it doesn't matter.  i wanted her out of my life for a good long while. she, i guess, never caught on.  she said i was dense! how would she not figure out that i needed her to apologize for all the mental abuse.  that's all i really wanted, cuz i knew she would never do that. but when she finally did, i had to bring it to her attention and nothing changed at all. she was the same stone cold chic. she used me. she destroyed my innosence. raped me of any sense of self worth and expected me to assume her friendship as an obligation. what's more i think she ruined me for all women. havent even had one date since we broke up almost 6 years ago.

there was a girl though...  the reason i believe in love at first sight...  elizabeth...

it's funny you know...  i wanted to be honest with her so i told her all about liz.  then she got wierd over the phone and as far as i was concerned, i was sure the only thing keeping us appart would have been the distance between us, which to me was no problem at all...  until liz. how could she make me stop talking to this girl?  she was so jealous!  oh and she had the nerve to say to me that i could call her elizabeth if i wanted to!

that's when i went numb...

i mean i took alot of crap. a lot of shit talk. but after that and under all circumstances, when i knew i'd lost all hope of finding elizabeth again, that is when i just said fuck it. 

it's not like i'm an alcoholic, but i have endulged to certain points where i may have killed people driving on the street. i became depressed. i wonder if i'm not bi-polar.  i'm a perv. i was arrested for being drunk in public.  but that didn't stop me from partying.  no,no! i trashed some rock star's appartment. ate all his guacamole.  i became fed up with my life. i felt up on female strangers. had one of them strangle me, but kept laughing as they did it. i do take pride, however, in that i spit on a cop! and i'm just so pathetic.  i spent $1500 on strippers and booze.  i fucked a stripper in the VIP room and thought that maybe she'd wanna go aout with me. isn't that just sad.  maybe, i'm not as bad as some people might be and they don't care. but if you'd known me before liz, even you'd wonder what happened to me!

now i understand i cannot blame liz for everything that I DID.  but you have to understand that liz was thee most negative influence in my life. and i let it happen.  

God told me not to be with her.  i did it anyway.  i said, "God, i'm going to do this!"  He knew that i wouldn't have the heart to tell liz after 4 months that i wanted to break up with her.  i knew that i would break her heart!  i guess i tried to insinuate as best i could and i tried even to break up with her but as it went - i coudn't stand to hurt her.  emotionally, i wasn't with her.  i was with...  anyone else!  because i didn't want her.  that was the first time i went about things the wrong way.  but i wanted out for a reason just as complex as any reason i could've given (example)...  not in love anymore(not that i really was)...  relationship was too intense(especially after my last ex broke my heart)...  couldn't handle losing virginity to her...  whatever!!!  she knew why and she said that she hoped that wasn't it. and i tell you it was, but i denied it.   that reason is this:  i simply got tired of her!  so simple, but how do you explain that to some one who you care about. some one who you didn't want to break up with for that reason, but who knew you wanted to and could never admit it.  you think i'm fucked up?  well i knew i was. and she convinced me that i was the lowest scum of the earth. that i was a waste of life.  i didn't deserve to live!  but i would never have killed myself although i may have wanted to.  i deserved to suffer with guilt and resentment and anger.  and that i did. the cost, more than i wanted to stand. 

the second time i went about things the wrong way was when i tried to get liz to make up the past to me by talking some mad shit to her.  i know i'm fucked up and i'ma get mine.  liz wants nothing to do with me now i guess, which is fine. do i care?  not anymore.  it's very liberating.  i feel horrible though about talking shit to her, but for what i said to her, it matters not in comparison to how she fucked me up.  that's just the way i feel...


who needs a drink??


well since my last post, i've attended the musicians institute in hollywood and graduated.  almost hookd up with a girl at my job, hollister ( where i fold clothes for $10.65 an hr.), auditioned for a chic named bELA and all of the above!  not proud of many things that i have done.  like weed, speed and coke.  neer got to try shrooms, but stil kinda want to!  don't think i will though.  also the most POSITIVE influence in my life, a woman who truley deserves the title BEST FRIEND, has made a come back. and it makes me sooo happy to say that Cassandra is again in my life and for good this time!!  

love to post more, but i think i'd better go cuz my niece is home and this, her comp., is in her room.  dunno if i'll ever do this here again but for now...  stay well ya'll.  i'll make something of myself one day and all will be well in the audible realm and there will be musical aesthetic equality.  well that is if i could help it!